I'm praying for some way to show them I'm not what they see

(I have just realized that I cannot write in this thing unless I am listening to music. My thoughts simply don't go anywhere without music. I wonder if I could get that diagnosed and be allowed to listen to music while taking tests. How fucking sweet would that be?)

The Stone - DMB

The title may be true. I like classes and meeting people because it gives me a chance to cultivate a personality. In my classes I'm either the guy who only talks to the teacher or the hilarious, sexy, possible genius who raises the intellectual level of the conversation whenever he talks. It is this second personality that is my favorite - mainly because it is easy.

"Wow," you're probably saying. "What a fucking ass - how can you even get in the room with such a big head?"

But lets analyze how this personality comes about.

First, the sexiness - I can't help this. It is an unstoppable force that has yet to meet an impenetrable wall.

Second, I think being funny is related to saying the craziest shit you can. I think the funniest humor is advanced* humor - it is not what you expect but it is also not what you don't expect. It is neither outside or inside the box. This is why my writing hero is Douglas Adams whose sidekick is Dave Barry whose nemesis is Steven King whose sidekick is Tom Clancy. Actually they are just my heroes (and nemeses) in general.

Third, because of the above I'm not really sure how it is I feel about most things. I am constantly shifting my perspective and my "deep thoughts" are just quick reactions to what I hear - what that means is that I am good at sounding good. But what do I really believe? OK, here is my list of firm beliefs:

(they are numbered but the numbers have no bearing on their relative importance)

1.) Beer is fucking awesome.
2.) Radiohead is fucking awesome.
3.) The internet is for porn.
4.) My family is fucking awesome.
5.) Before These Crowded Streets, In Rainbows and Dark Side of the Moon are the best albums of all time.

That's about it. Everything else exists in a state of constant flux. What this means is that I am consistently inconsistent. Which also means that it is impossible for me to win arguments (unless those arguments pertain to any of the above list). Ask my girlfriend - I mean OK she is a doctoral candidate but she always kicks my ass. I think it is because she reads a lot more than I do. And she's pretty so I get distracted.

(Like right now, I can't end this blog entry because she (even though she isn't here and, in fact, is in a different state) is distracting me. How do women do this?)

Another line from The Stone: "I've this creeping suspicion that things here are not what they seem."

I think that's a good way to end it.

_Todd

*For a more fulsome definition of advanced read IV by Chuck Klosterman.

6.) I love my girlfriend.