(underscore)

Songs I can't get away from

2011-08-25T23:31:00.000-04:00

Songs come and go and it's easy to get obsessed with one song for a few months (I'm looking at you "No Leaf Clover") and then, however many years later, the song is gone from your daily/weekly/monthly listening habits. Part of this is because over time people's musical tastes change and part of it is because sometimes the veneer of a song can fade over time for whatever reason ("Drive In, Drive Out"). But some songs never leave. For me, these songs are like a cross section of my life. They are integral somehow. I would explain each song and put a link to youtube or something for each song, but I think music should be discovered, not forced. These aren't necessarily my "favorite" songs and they aren't the "best" songs. These are the songs that just get me every time.

1.) The District Sleeps Alone Tonight
2.) Grey Street
3.) Halloween
4.) True Love Waits
5.) Citizen Erased
6.) #41
7.) Hannah Jane
8.) Fidelity
9.) Let Down
10.) Starlight
11.) Evaporated
12.) Sullivan Street

Two Things

2010-09-30T23:04:00.000-04:00

I have two things to write about, both are songs, and both are songs that mean a lot to me. First up is Radiohead, second up is The Dave Matthews Band.

For years I have been listening to Radiohead. I cannot write coherently about how good they are and how much I like them. They have been around since 1992/3ish but I only started listening to them in probably 2004/5. Amazingly enough the first song of theirs that I really connected with (other than thinking "Creep" was cool because of the guitar bit in the chorus - now I like Creep for wholly different reasons) was Planet Telex - which is the first song off of The Bends which was their second album. So I started with their second album and my listening history pretty much followed the correct chronological order (OK Computer, Kid A, Amnesiac, Hail to the Thief, In Rainbows) whilst skipping over completely Pablo Honey. I did not discover how good the songs off of Pablo Honey were until I bought Radiohead: The Astoria London Live. (GO BUY THIS) I have also gotten into certain B-side songs - as all true fans of bands should do - and one of them in particular has been a song I have been in absolute love with since I first heard it.

True Love Waits is one of those songs that I don't even remember how I came to have it on my computer. But somehow I got a file on my computer that was obviously a live pull of some sort and at the beginning Thom says: "This is a brand new song that nobody's heard before." Remember that I didn't start listening to RH 'til about 2004/5 and the song file had no time stamp or anything to indicate when or where it might have come from. And I wasn't all that bothered about it, the song is so good that it doesn't matter when/where it's from. But so I'm cruising along last week just scrounging on youtube for something (as with all youtube sessions whatever original video I had come their to watch was long forgotten and I was on some tangential torrent in youtubeland) and I came across this:

True Love Waits - 1st Time Ever!

So of course I clicked on it and the first thing I see is: Brussels - April 12th, 1995. And then Thom says "This is a brand new song that nobody's heard before." Cue goosebumps, jaw dropping, and that feeling near my stomach that I get when someone I care about says or does something incredibly thoughtful for me and I don't know how to emotionally handle it. I know that no one else will have this same reaction to this tiny little video but I needed to share with everyone how profoundly it affected me. The idea that the song was first performed when I was TEN, first performed when I was probably thinking about cute 5th grade girls and how awesome fade patterns are this song that would come to mean so much to me was first being played in a country thousands of miles away, and then someone filmed it (and in 1995 they probably had one of those big freaking vhs recorders) and then, TEN more years later when YouTube was invented: "Hey I've got this old VHS from ten years ago, I'll put it on YouTube"...I don't even know how to react to all of that.

Second thing - people that know me know that I enjoy the Dave Matthews Band. Most people think that I am obsessed with them and all I do is listen to Ants Marching or something. Which is completely not true now. I have completely diversified my musical interests and do not listen to nearly as much DMB as I used to - which means that I still do listen to them quite a bit. Half of a ton is still 1,000 pounds. But so I was wondering through YouTube again...wait, some back story needs to be told first. I'll be quick about it.

The Dave Matthews Band performs a song called "Grey Street". This is a song that was officially released on the 2002 LP Busted Stuff. But hardcore fans, like myself, had been listening to it for years already because they had been playing it live since 2000 (and Dave encourages taping/distributing of their live shows, see upcoming FN) and it was, shall we say, unofficially released on The Lillywhite Sessions LP (more backstory) that everyone had in 2001. This is a song that takes some explaining because it is an integral part of the band. When it was first played in the summer of 2000 it did not have set lyrics. Pretty much every night Dave would sing something different with the chorus generally being the same every time. Go here and you will see that there are 70 different "versions" of Grey Street* out there. I should also mention that DMB not only allows but encourages taping of their live shows** so almost every one of those versions can be listened to. One of these versions is from 7.12.00 and I have had a copy of it for several years now and love it more than I love puppies. But so I was trolling through Youtube and saw this:

Dave Matthews Band - Grey Street (Extended) 7/12/00

Naturally I clicked on it and was overjoyed to actually get to see the band perform this song I have loved for so long. Some amazing things about the song I did not know before watching this video:

It was performed at Giants Stadium.
Dave plays his six-string. Grey Street now is played with the 12-string and I always thought that it had always been that way.
Dave breaks a string - when they start the third verse*** Dave is not playing because he is switching out his guitar. What is interesting is that when I first heard the song I did not think anything of this absence of sound because of all the versions I have heard of this song they always play more quietly during the third verse. I have no way of knowing if this accidental string breaking began this tradition - but I think that it is true. This is early on in the playing of Grey Street (the 14th time played) and the band has another song called "Hello Again" that Dave broke a string during and, because that song does not have the band playing the same harmony as Dave, the song needs the guitar they stopped the song and Carter did a drum solo until Dave could get it switched. They continued to put the drum solo in at the same spot when they played it later.

Again I know that no one will really care about all this triviality but I had been listening to this song for years and I never knew any of these things.

So...apart from me wanting to share lots of tiny little details with all of you...why am I sharing all of these tiny little details with you?

Because I love music. I love it. I want people to love music as much as I do. And I think to love something you have to really know that something as well as possible. These are two very specific songs that I completely enjoyed in a pretty narrow sense (like most songs are enjoyed I think) but, because of all the tiny details and the new format I have a whole new way of viewing these songs.

So if you love something - do everything you can to view it from as many angles as possible.

_Todd

*You will also see that, yes, dmbalmanac.com is a real website that contains setlists from every single DMB live performance on record. The band has toured every summer since 1993 and has played over 2000 shows. On this website you can click on, say, 1993, then on 3.4.93 and see not only what songs were played, but how long each song lasted, how many times that song was played on whatever tour they were on, who played on the song, and any differences from the "normal" playing of the song (i.e. - different lyrics, different outro). If you ever thought I was "obsessed" with DMB you now have a correct sense of just how obsessed some fans can really be - because the almanac is completely run by fans and is in no way affiliated officially with the band.

**This was how they spread their music in the early days - they would go to a city in where they had never been, and they had no records released at all, and the crowd would sing along with Dave because they already knew the songs - all done with cassette tapes and generous people mailing them, giving them to their friends.

***You will note that the youtube description has the parenthetical (extended) in the title. This is because the band no longer plays the third verse and last big chorus. It is strictly a two verse with two chorus affair now.

OK I get it

2010-08-18T22:37:00.000-04:00

It's been way too long I know - and I'm kind of ashamed of it. September? What's the point Todd.

But I've decided that I need a creative outlet and this already exists as a space so I'm going to start exploring it more.

The first thing I need to talk about is this:

Heat

A few things - Glenn Frey is pretty awesome - I have always enjoyed The Eagles (even got to see them live once). I think they have a songwriting style that just plain works and makes me feel good And they are an extremely popular band: everyone knows the song "Hotel California" and one of their greatest hits albums has sold almost 30 millions copies in the USA. The only other album to sell that many copies in the US? Thriller.*

But so Glenn Frey is one of the lead singers and songwriters of The Eagles but in 1985 The Eagles were split up (presumably forever, which is why their reunion tour was called "Hell Freezes Over:). So Frey was on his own, trying to have a solo career and in 1985 "The Heat is On" got released as part of the Beverly Hills Cop soundtrack and it, like the movie, was a very popular song - it reached number 2 on the Billboard Hot 100 in 1985. It is also part of my childhood - we had this VHS tape of videos that, for some reason my parents recorded off of MTV and VH1** and this video was one of the videos. We used to play this VHS when we would like clean the house or have chores to do. My memory of this video is certainly reinforced by the fact that I can watch it on YouTube now but I know I remember listening to it.

Watching it now it stuns me in several ways. One, Glenn Frey has stubble, which seems like an awesome 80s thing to have - didn't Don Johnson invent stubble on Miami Vice?*** But I am not used to seeing Glenn Frey with facial hair (I only know him from my Eagles DVD and Jerry Maguire) and I like it here. I also like the extreme closeups and him singing with his eyes closed...then he pounds the mic and then spikes the lens. Two, the sax player always intrigued me, they seem to really like her in the video - and of the course the song is definitely driven in part by the sax. But I never understood why, at the end of the video, she kind of sidles up to Glenn Frey and sings with him - she looks so unconcerned and uncommitted to the song, especially compared to the eyes closed, mic pounding Frey. Thanks to Wikipedia I know the answer to this: apparently the saxophonist in the video is one Beverly Dahlke-Smith and she did not play on the actual recording of the song. She only plays fake sax in a music video - I wouldn't care either. Although I would dance like her.

The more I watch this video the more I realize how brilliant it is. It opens with a man sitting at a monitor with huge rolls of film that are apparently beginning to play to this bespectacled gentleman. I guess we are supposed to think he is the editor of the movie or something - this becomes clearer when they open the blinds onto the sax player and then they start playing clips from the movie. Literally we are getting a look into the mind of the editor (into the window of his mind if you extend the metaphor) as he is looking at the finished cut of the movie. And the rhythm and the lyrics of the song are what motivated him in his editing of the film. Again if you actually listen to the lyrics this becomes clear: "Tell me can you feel it?" "Inside your head, on every beat" "Caught up in the action". The editor (or whoever this guy is) is asking and answering these questions as he is watching the movie and singing the lyrics to himself (they show several shots of this). I should also mention that Glenn Frey didn't write this song, it was written by the same guys who wrote the whole soundtrack for the movie. All of these things make a brilliant concept and a perfect execution of that concept.

Which is certainly something to strive for in life - concept/execution of concept. We all want to accomplish something with our lives (at least I hope we do) and I know I struggle sometimes with even the most basic tenets of this idea - i.e. what do I want to accomplish? I do better with the day to day stuff: I'm going to make rice for dinner, I'm going to watch Hot Fuzz, etc. are all tiny examples of concept/execution of concept. Execution of concept is obviously more important than just the concept; think about abstract artists that put out this art that is just brightly colored squares and lines - it looks so simple and easy and like anybody could have done it - but they (anybody) didn't do it, the artist did. The concept is not really all that complex, but the execution is. (Trying painting a perfect square sometime.) I guess that is a good way to end this post - with the hope of brilliant concepts and perfect execution.

More soon,
_Todd

*I know that album sales probably don't mean as much as they used to but they used to be everything - this album was released on February 17, 1976 (and only covers 1971-5) and back then buying the album was the only way to hear the music - unlike now when people just get it from somewhere/one. If you were a fan, you bought the album. And it hit platinum in 1976 (first album to receive this award because it was the first year it, the award, existed) and then hit 29x platinum on January 30, 2006 (Which means, by the way, that it sold, on average, 2,648 copies A DAY FOR THIRTY YEARS). So they have been popular for a long time.

**I just now realized that I have no idea why my parents recorded these videos - I don't think they really liked this type of music, they certainly don't listen to 80s music now. I have to ask them about this because it is suddenly baffling - this tape is two hours long and we have another about half full of random music videos - maybe my mom had them to work out too or something? I have sudden images in my head of my mom wearing 80s workout clothes...moving on. Also - remember when MTV and VH1 actually played videos?

***This makes more sense when you think about how Glenn Frey also recorded "You Belong to the City" which was his only other solo hit and was on the Miami Vice soundtrack.

Nerves

2009-09-01T17:43:00.003-04:00

So in class we have been talking about how in three months we will be student teachers and, unlike the last three years of prep work, actually be expected to teach. And most of the people in class seem to be pretty nervous about this.

And on some level I can understand their level of nervousness. It is a big difference between being in a classroom with children with the teacher and four of your classmates and being in the classroom with just you and the children. So we have been talking a lot about how we feel (which is a common theme in Elementary Education) about the upcoming semester and what is making us nervous.

And all this talk about being nervous has brought to mind two different quotes from two different periods of my life. The first comes from high school.

As the people reading this blog probably already know I ran cross country in high school and I remember one time we got onto the subject of being nervous about racing. And, it had to be Coach who said this first, we seemed to agree that being nervous was an acceptable thing because we all knew that we had a chance to run really well - we were not nervous about the pain or the struggle of running, we were nervous about letting our team/coach/selves down because we did not perform up to the expectations that our team/coach/selves had.

And again this seems like a perfectly normal and OK thing to experience, it makes sense because we wanted to run well and to win. But then I read the Dark Tower series by Stephen King and this line only stood out to me on my third read through* of the final book:

"Nerves are for people who haven't made up their minds"

And it strikes me, especially in the context of beginning your career, that this quote actually does apply. All of us in my cluster have made up their minds; they want to be a teacher. And now they are finally getting a chance to do that.

It could easily be argued that my first quote also directly applies because, as teachers it is safe to assume that we do not want to let down our students/administration/selves. But that argument only works if you want it to - it only works if you let it. I would rather not even consider it and just focus on being the absolute best teacher that I can be - and in three months we will see how it goes.

*proving again that re-reading books is a very valuable thing to do.

Top 15 Movies 2000-2009

2009-08-20T00:05:00.004-04:00

1) 1.)Up - just way too good, funny, sad, visually stunning, and has characters that somehow seems so familiar without being cliche. The best example of this from the movie is the scene at the end where the old man gives the kid the "Ellie" patch - the speech he gives is so heartfelt and so pure and thought that that scene had to be cliche but instead it became one of my favorite scenes....sigh.

2) 2.) City of God - what movies should be like; funny, well written and directed, emotional, and has a complete sense of purpose about it and is not afraid of doing whatever it has to to fulfill that purpose (like the little side stories about the apartment, history of the gang at the beginning) and is structured brilliantly by starting near the end and going back to the beginning - just awesome.

3) 3.) Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind - Again what movies should be like - it also knows its purpose and does whatever it wants to in order to accomplish that purpose - what I am really saying when I say that is the story is excellent and strong and doesn't wander (well...it DOES wander but it feels like it is supposed to wander - which is exactly the point)

4) 4.) Slumdog Millionaire - I just love how I felt after watching this movie...coming from a background in Cross Country I have always been a bit of an idealist and really truly believed that anything is possible - this movie celebrates that idea as purely as any movie I can remember seeing.

5) 5.) Wall-E - It is about a robot. Falling in love with another robot. And I cared so much. And it was so beautiful, and lonely and cute and daring.

6) 6.) Shaun of the Dead - The running theme of this list is "what movies should be like" and this movie fits the bill completely - incredibly funny, fantastically acted, wonderfully directed and just so well thought out...they really care about making a good movie and it shows.

7) 7.) Finding Nemo - I remember the first time I saw this was at Purdue in a theatre that was packed full of college students and I remember at one point in the movie I looked around and EVERYONE in the theatre was absolutely glued to the screen...you really CARE about this little clown fish and you want him to find his son.

8) 8.) Hot Fuzz - The first time I watched this the first 2/3rds of the movie I remember barely laughing or moving...they set up the mystery so well and I couldn't figure out what they could possibly be doing - it was so different than Shaun and the characters were so different and...then they get to the end with all the shooting and I was laughing, HARD the whole time. Just a brilliant film.

9) 9.) LOTR Trilogy - ridiculous. So massive and epic and glorious. It is this generations Star Wars.

10) 10.) V for Vendetta - Just eminently rewatchable and Hugo Weaving is brilliant in it. What takes this movie from really really good to "on this list" is his acting and the scene with the dominoes...just amazing. Plus there are so many ridiculous good quotes.

11) 11.) Requiem For a Dream - probably the most emotionally draining movie I've ever seen. Similar to Saving Private Ryan in the emotional impact but different because I'm not sure if I was sad after Requiem...I didn't really know how I felt after seeing it.

12) 12.) Oceans Trilogy - Way too much fun.

13) 13.) Good Night and Good Luck - Love it, love the actors, love the writing, love the directing - again a movie made by someone who cares about making a great movie.

14) 14.) The Incredibles - See any of the other Pixar descriptions. But again the emotional impact of the movie is what sets this (and other Pixar movies) apart - the scene at the end where they are about to fight the robot and Mr. Incredible says that he has to do it alone and him and his wife argue and he talks about how he isn't strong enough...just amazing stuff.

15) 15.)Confessions of a Dangerous Mind - Sam Rockwell is a genius probably. And George Clooney, again, had such a clear idea of what he wanted in this movie and simply goes for it with all guns blazing.

I'm praying for some way to show them I'm not what they see

2008-10-23T23:57:00.004-04:00

(I have just realized that I cannot write in this thing unless I am listening to music. My thoughts simply don't go anywhere without music. I wonder if I could get that diagnosed and be allowed to listen to music while taking tests. How fucking sweet would that be?)

The Stone - DMB

The title may be true. I like classes and meeting people because it gives me a chance to cultivate a personality. In my classes I'm either the guy who only talks to the teacher or the hilarious, sexy, possible genius who raises the intellectual level of the conversation whenever he talks. It is this second personality that is my favorite - mainly because it is easy.

"Wow," you're probably saying. "What a fucking ass - how can you even get in the room with such a big head?"

But lets analyze how this personality comes about.

First, the sexiness - I can't help this. It is an unstoppable force that has yet to meet an impenetrable wall.

Second, I think being funny is related to saying the craziest shit you can. I think the funniest humor is advanced* humor - it is not what you expect but it is also not what you don't expect. It is neither outside or inside the box. This is why my writing hero is Douglas Adams whose sidekick is Dave Barry whose nemesis is Steven King whose sidekick is Tom Clancy. Actually they are just my heroes (and nemeses) in general.

Third, because of the above I'm not really sure how it is I feel about most things. I am constantly shifting my perspective and my "deep thoughts" are just quick reactions to what I hear - what that means is that I am good at sounding good. But what do I really believe? OK, here is my list of firm beliefs:

(they are numbered but the numbers have no bearing on their relative importance)

1.) Beer is fucking awesome.
2.) Radiohead is fucking awesome.
3.) The internet is for porn.
4.) My family is fucking awesome.
5.) Before These Crowded Streets, In Rainbows and Dark Side of the Moon are the best albums of all time.

That's about it. Everything else exists in a state of constant flux. What this means is that I am consistently inconsistent. Which also means that it is impossible for me to win arguments (unless those arguments pertain to any of the above list). Ask my girlfriend - I mean OK she is a doctoral candidate but she always kicks my ass. I think it is because she reads a lot more than I do. And she's pretty so I get distracted.

(Like right now, I can't end this blog entry because she (even though she isn't here and, in fact, is in a different state) is distracting me. How do women do this?)

Another line from The Stone: "I've this creeping suspicion that things here are not what they seem."

I think that's a good way to end it.

_Todd

*For a more fulsome definition of advanced read IV by Chuck Klosterman.

6.) I love my girlfriend.

Spring Break pt. 2

2008-03-24T23:48:00.001-04:00

Spring Break

2008-03-24T23:46:00.000-04:00

Two Months Later...

2008-03-17T00:58:00.003-04:00

I'm gonna stop with the usual beating around bushes and intertwining truth and lies and come right out and say something. (well, at the end anyway) I think part of growing up is getting past the doubt of who you are and what you really mean.

I think part of growing up is falling in love.

I recently found myself in Alabama, lying awake in the dark on a couch, and finally understanding the truth about love songs...and what they should do...and how that coincides with what love is really like.

I've always thought that love songs have to sort of walk a fine line between romance and poetry (read: over the top) and honesty and reality (read: the way people actually think). The best ones have elements of both in them. For excellent examples see: 'She's got a Way' by Billy Joel, 'Something' by George Harrison, and 'Crush' by the Dave Matthews Band.

My breakthrough came when I realized why this balance and fine-line-walking is so important. Because the people that write the good songs actually understand what happens in love. (Note: by saying this it may seem that I know what actually happens in love and this is not necessarily true.) As an example of a bad love song let's look at 'Truly, Madly, Deeply' by Savage Garden. Now, it probably is not any great revelation that this song is a bad love song, but, other than the ridiculous production and girly singing, did you ever think about why it is so bad? It's because it's completely over the top and false.

The completely over the top part is easy. "I wanna stand with you on a mountain"...and what? Die of exposure? I would analyze the rest of the lyrics, but after reading them I realized that I would probably die of a brain hemorrhage if I did.

The false part certainly goes along with the over-the-top part, but in order to see it you have to look at things literally. I guess I have problems with the word 'madly' because 'madly' indicates that the people in love are not themselves. It indicates a loss of control and a loss of self. And I think that love is about finding yourself. And then finding yourself again in another person. (not literally*) And about controlling that feeling and that thrill of discovery. So please don't ever say that you are madly in love with someone.

My point is that part of falling in love is figuring out what love really is. And, like anything else, it is never fully understood. I do not think that love is blind, but some parts do remain hidden.

Top Five Love Songs**:
True Love Waits - Radiohead
Something - Beatles
#40 - Dave Matthews
She's Got a Way - Billy Joel***
Can't Help Falling in Love - Elvis

H.M.
The Luckiest - Ben Folds
Unchained Melody - The Righteous Brothers
One - U2

What I was going to come out and say is that I am in love. With Jenny. And that I'm seeing myself more clearly than ever. And seeing her more clearly than I've ever seen anyone before.

Todd

*ok, literally too
**As always, essentially just off the top of my head. Feel free to contribute.

_as a side note, while looking up love songs to think about I found EW's top 25 love songs ever. Number 19 is 'Ain't No Mountain High Enough'...and Number 18 is 'Crazy in Love' by Beyonce. I feel like either punching someone or like someone just punched me.
***This song wasn't on the EW list...how is that possible?

Me Now:

2008-01-16T23:23:00.000-05:00

This isn't one of those entries where I take stock of my life (it is the new year after all) and list out what is going on and how I am doing. I'm not going to talk about trying to become a better person or how I need to grow up...

When I write these things I have all of these thoughts pouring through my head and I pretty much start the next paragraph whenever something interesting happens by. The above paragraph is a perfect example of this...I have no idea what I'm going to write about. But I sure do sound good.

I tend to think competitively. Whenever we have a discussion in class and I find myself completely disagreeing with what is being said I sit and I think as hard as I can to come up with something to say that will at the same time prove them wrong and make me sound like a genius. That sounds egotistical and maybe it is. I just like pushing myself to look at things from a point of view that is as different as possible from everyone else. I suppose that when I say "I think competitively" I mean: I talk competitively. I love lively discussions about religion or politics or anything. As long as people are passionate I really don't care what the discussion is.

I like big conversations. I like when things matter. Relationships are probably the best example of this but they aren't the only one. Talking to my roommate about Med School, or to my best friend about internships...these are big conversations too. I like the ones about relationships better because I have more experience in dealing with them than I do with Medical Schools or engineering courses. And the relationship ones are more fun.

Because relationships make people happy. They should anyway. And I like it when my friends are happy. I like it when I'm happy.

And happiness isn't an accident and it isn't a conscious choice either. Happiness is a feeling. Yes you can choose to be happy, but really being happy shouldn't be a choice, it should happen all on it's own. And yes you can accidentally be happy, but that sort of happiness is limited to finding a great song on the radio, or finding five dollars in a jacket pocket in the fall.

Not that the little things aren't important. Because they are. Without little things it would be impossible to have big things.

And you can say: "Todd, you chose to go after this girl and that, eventually, has made you happy, so didn't you, in some way, choose to be happy?"

I suppose that there might be some logic in that statement but there is no real connection between the choice and the resultant feeling. Right now I can choose to go to bed and read, a decision which will make me happy, because I like bed and I like reading. But it isn't the choice itself that makes me happy, it is what I do that makes me happy.

It's holding her, or seeing her again after weeks apart, or getting an e-mail from her. All of these things are the things that make me happy, not the choice that I made to like her and try and make it work.

My point is that I didn't choose to be happy, it happened all by itself much after the decision was made. The happiness is what has made the decision a correct one. Just like I am happier when I get home from class after dragging my ass out of bed even though it's 3 degrees outside and windy and I didn't want to go but I know I should...the happiness and contentedness comes much much later. And the reason for my being happy is completely different from the reason I chose to go to class in the first place.

This is getting long and it probably completely incoherent but I feel like it is important to point out, as grandly as possible, how awesome my girlfriend is.

The last few months have been amazing. Like...imagine that you had a crush on your older sister's roommate because she is hot and then, years later, you meet up at a bar, get drunk, make out, and four months later are in a relationship on Facebook.

Or maybe it's nothing like that. Those are all big things.

Fuck yes.

Todd

"I wanted to shout it from a mountaintop but I didn't have a mountaintop, I had a blog."

Forget the Reckless Things We´ve Done

2007-12-25T23:23:00.000-05:00

As I´ve said before on this thing it isn´t often that you get a chance to start over.

Yes life is full of second chances, but a completely new chance is something that only happens very rarely.

Books are often full of scenes with images of being reborn, or of rites of passage that make the character stronger or whatever. I don´t think life is like that. I don´t think that everything changes at once. Well...

I don´t think. I know.

I thought I could change everything at once. But I couldn´t. A new school, a new city...same shit. Same weakness and failure. I forgot that I had to change the person I was.

Now I have another new city and another new school. And it is NOT the same shit. It is entirely shit free. I have changed.

For so long I´ve lived with a fear of what I might become. I have always been afraid of getting stuck or waxing myself into a corner. Which is ironic because for so long I was stuck. In the shit.

Now I am not stuck. I´m running like a damned antelope. And I know where I am going.

All of that was my way of saying that I am incredibly happy with my life. I felt like I should let you all know.

Oh and that I haven´t met someone new. But, to steal more song lyrics, it feels just like I´m falling for the first time. And I´ve been waiting so long to fall.

Night. Merry Christmas, Happy New Year. Make this one better.

_Todd

I have to speculate

2007-12-11T23:35:00.001-05:00

So I've decided that Finals week is the new Dead week. Seriously. Lets look at last week.

Monday: Rough Draft of paper due.
Tuesday: Final Group Project for H340 - 15 page written report plus 20 minute oral presentation.
Wednesday: N102 Final Group Project - 22- page written report.
Thursday - Q200 Final Group Project Due - 10 minute presentation. Q200 Final Reflection and Portfolio due. H340 final reflection due.
Friday - Final L204 paper due - 7 pages.

Ugh. I know I'm not in what most would consider a hard major but that was a rough week. And yes it's only one week, but still...give me a little credit.

So that was my 'Dead' week. My Finals week is about 100 times easier and less stressful. I am helped by the fact that I am a good test taker, and also by the fact that I have done well this semester and my finals were not make or break for me.

On that subject, I just wanted to say that I pretty much rocked this semester and that I cannot say how good it feels. Some of you (actually, I have no idea if anyone reads this anymore) know about how much I have struggled with college and life up to this point. So this semester has been a complete rebirth for me. I am like...I would say that I most resemble Harry at the end of everything in Book Seven. I'd had enough trouble already and am ready for things to go well for me.

I just hope I can make it through spring. No...wait, that's wrong.

I will make it through spring and be just as bad ass as I was this semester. There.

Anyway, I have a great Christmas Break in front of me. I get to see Carrie and Luis' new house, Amanda in her last month of pregnancy, and spend (hopefully) three weekends in a row with someone amazing and pretty.

And the usual Columbus gathering of friends and what not.

_Todd

Call it Education

2007-11-28T01:10:00.000-05:00

I don't have a lot to say tonight.

I just got back from the library after a wonderful 3 hours of accomplishing...in reality, nothing, but getting towards the point where I can say that things are close to getting finished. Such is the life of a college student. Things that need 4 hours of attention only get 3 and that has to be good enough.

What's odd about that last statement is that it's true, but I also believe that in college more time is wasted than is spent constructively. It's an ontological quandary. I think I'll end with a picture.

I see this everyday. I think it's stunningly beautiful...just the way it's organized fits my eye so well. Every time I walk by this I think that God intended for me to love it. So love it I will.

_Todd

p.s. - I also have a secret.

White Ladder/Turning Circles

2007-10-29T00:19:00.000-04:00

It's not often we find ourselves lucky enough to be completely surprised.

Which is strange because, at any given moment in our lives we cannot know what is going to happen next. So you'd think we'd be surprised all the time.

But we aren't. Obviously part of this is explained by the fact that, as college students, our lives are set patterns, every __day the same as lasts weeks' __day.

And when you work every Saturday and Sunday at the exact same time your life becomes even more of a pattern.

I think this is why college students love to get drunk. ("Wow, who are you and why are you in my bed?") ("Wow, how did I spend 90 dollars at Kilroy's?)

But it is also strange how we constantly are seeking more patterns in the form of relationships and jobs and clubs and sports and such. It's like we need patterns and hate them at the same time.

And friends are patterns too. I have a lot of long-distance friends (the majority actually) and all of us were at one time or another living near (or together). And you get used to patterns with these people...you know what you like to do with them, how you both work best together. With some friends it doesn't matter, you always have a good time with them - these are the friends you really want to hang on to. And some friends work best in certain situations.

I have friends that don't go here that I work best with when we get to spend lots of hours playing video games or eating dinner and drinking beers together...doing nothing essentially. But since we are now long-distance friends every time we hang out has to be this explosion of awesomeness where we have to be drunk the whole time and we have to go out and we have to get crazy.

Not that these things aren't fun, but I just want to sit around and play video games and drink beer. (Honestly, who doesn't want to do that?)

So, even the times when things are supposed to be different they are the same. I know this is depressing, and I'm not trying to say that I don't have fun with my friends - because I do - it's just that I've made a lot of mistakes and most of them have started with the words..."Shots, then bars."

Because those times don't really make you better friends, they may make better memories, but they don't create healthy friendships. Again, I just want to sit around and talk.

So I guess I was surprised when a crazy drunken night turned out well for me. This is completely unprecedented. COMPLETELY. It was like reading a Dave Barry column and not laughing at least 10 times. Like reading Harry Potter without loving every damned second of it. Like when you think you are drinking milk, but accidentally pick up a glass of water instead. That moment of realization is so shocking.

I won't say no more here other than to say that rarely has a night been so unexpected. And the moment of realization was shocking. I was completely surprised. But never have I been so happy to drink water.

_Todd

p.s.- go to ruckus and download 'Here it Goes' by Jimmy Eat World off of "Chase this Light"

What?

2007-10-18T12:55:00.000-04:00

So I was sitting in my normal position on the X bus the other day (first seat on the left side of the seats that face each other in the back) and this guy walks back there and he is wearing a shirt that says:

"Overworked and Underfucked"

I have never been a big fan of "Attitude" T-shirts (they should change the name of them to "Douchebag T-shirts") but this one just makes me want to punch people (well, just one person).

I guess the only thing I can say is: Does this guy think that wearing this shirt will help change things? Will girls see this shirt and think: "Oh you poor guy, come on back to my place..." Seriously, what is the motivation for wearing such a shirt? I thought I was hallucinating when I first saw it because it made absolutely no sense. I wish I could have been there when he bought it. I'm guessing that this was his thought process:

"(humming Akon)...man I love these T-shirts, they are all so funny. OH look at this one...man that is me...I work a lot...and I never get laid...I bet this shirt will turn things around! Fame, women and money here I come! oh yeah... (humming Akon)"

I think that's pretty accurate. He may have been humming Chamillionare though.

That's all for now. I just had to say something.

_Todd

p.s. - oh if you want to see pictures of inexplicably horrible things happening then you should go here www.hotchickswithdouchebags.com I think the name really says it all. It's great.

In Rainbows...again

2007-10-16T21:54:00.000-04:00

So I posted my first knee-jerk reaction to In Rainbows last week and I took it down because I realized that it sucked and I hated it. "How come I end up where I started?"

Albums as a whole usually have more meaning. Liking individual songs is one thing...liking whole albums is completely different from that. It's an experience, it's a journey, it's dedication. The ability to put an album in and listen to it without seeking to the next track is so incredibly difficult...putting an album in and not wanting to switch to the next track is something else entirely.

But I find I can do that with In Rainbows.

Of the 50 or so times I have listened to it (I'm not sure if that is an exaggeration or not) I have only changed tracks 3 or 4 times. Usually in the car when I'm about to get to work or go to class and I know that I want a particular song in my head. But for the most part it has been glorious repetition of the same ten songs over and over.

The amazing thing about Radiohead is that they really push their talent. They don't just let songs happen. For this album a lot of these songs have been written in some form or another for over a year. They road tested a bit and spent time in the studio to make sure they had what they wanted.

Music doesn't seem to be a...creative explosion for them. It's more...it almost seems like they have to do what they do. They have to sit for hour and hours until the sounds and depth of the track is just right. That's just the way it seems anyway. They are never under produced and never over produced and they never seem to have a song that just out right is not good. And if it seems that way at first then all you have to do is listen to it about 4 or 10 times and then you get it.

Because they are capable of making absolutely stunning music. OK Computer was stunning. Kid A was stunning. (side note: has any other band released an album that was easily considered their 'best' and then the very next album is considered even better?) This album is...

I'm hesitant to say 'better'. But let us say 'just as good'....well...'just as great'.

They just do things differently on this album. It isn't necessarily a major departure from all that they have done before...and then again it is.

This album is so understated. It's like they wrote the songs, then put them underwater. The album only comes up for breath a spare two or three times. On 'Nude' when the music drops and Thom's voice just comes flying out of the water, and the end of 'All I Need' when you kinda feel like they just looked at each other and said: "Fuck It...we're rocking this shit out." and they all come out of the water...and it becomes transcendent and I lose all track of what I am doing.*

But the rest of the album stays underwater. Not that there aren't great moments...on 'Bodysnatchers' when everything calms down right before the end and Thom is moaning and the bass and the guitar and the drums and everything is perfect. Again on 'Reckoner' the band has a similar sort of moment. The beat drops and the music rises and falls with Thom's voice and it's gorgeous.

And of course Videotape. The song has the ability to be a huge anthem (and indeed when they toured it was mostly) but for the album the almost leave it alone completely and let Thom's voice and lyrics just completely dominate. It makes me happy. When he sings: "This is my way of saying goodbye..." I feel like there should be like gunblasts and a great big orchestra behind because the lyrics are just so powerful. But they let them stand alone, and it might be my favorite Radiohead track ever. This is the song I usually switch to when I'm about 4 minutes away from getting out.

Overall the album is the opposite of all the things that we've come to expect from great Radiohead albums - sweeping, grand, depressing, a vision...epic. It is just this little album with ten little songs that the band just wants you to listen to. I for one am enjoying.

"I won't be afraid because I know today has been the most perfect day I have ever seen."

_Todd

In Rainbows

2007-10-10T22:11:00.001-04:00

So Radiohead released an album almost 2 years ago called In Rainbows - I wrote this review the day it came out and I never published it. But here it is now. I'm releasing it because I like it and I want other people to read it. It was released over the internet, and they didn't charge anything for it unless you wanted to pay for it. This is completely unprecedented and, as such, I have to review it. I have only been a Radiohead fan for about 3 years, a combination of Ben and Cam has made me a huge fan of their music. So I was very eager to hear this new record. I guess I'll go track by track and talk about how each one goes.

1.) 15 Step
_15 Step starts with a jagged, extremely electronic beat that brings to mind Yorke's solo project, The Eraser. Then the bass comes in, along with a nifty little guitar part and the track comes to life as a Radiohead song. Despite the beat, the song is very mellow; Thom's voice has a lot to do with this mellowness, but it is definitely not a huge guitar-driven rock song nor is it a sonic explosion of electronica. It is somewhere in the middle with lots of layers of sound, the bands' penchant for sampling and programming has not gone away. It's still jagged and electronic, but very very melodic at the same time. "How come I end up where I started?"

2.) Bodysnatchers
_Possibly the hardest rocking song on the whole album, it starts with a ridiculously distorted guitar part reminiscent of "The National Anthem" or "I might be wrong". Also has a more classic uptempo rock beat. Very bleak lyrics: "Has the light gone out for you? The lights gone out for me." Which, surprisingly, makes it stand out on this album. Overall the lyrics and the music are, almost, positive and upbeat. (I know that does not sound like the Radiohead we all have known for so long, but I swear it is there.) Ends with a jam like on Paranoid Android...lots of distortion and yelling and Johnny doing something on his guitar.

3.) Nude
_Also know as "Big Ideas" this track has been floating around in the live Radiohead catalogue for quite a while. Extremely mellow. After the distortion overload of 'Bodysnatchers' this slows things down and gives Thom's voice a chance to really shine. Very melodic, lots of Thom overlaying vocals and a fantastic end. A very very pretty and haunting and mysterious track.

4.) Weird Fishes/Arpeggi
_A very up tempo drum track (reminiscent of almost anything Clint Mansell did for Pi) starts off this track. But it is still mellow somehow. It's understated, it's hiding beneath a blanket, just like Johnny's guitar arpeggio that is constant throughout the song. Also like most of the tracks on 'In Rainbows' it is hard to discern any real song structure. There is no obvious chorus/verse/chorus on any of these tracks. The songs are very organic and really the album flows as well as any album I've ever listened to. One could almost refer to the album as the song 'In Rainbows' and the tracks are just different parts of the whole.

5.)All I Need
_I think that this is almost a love song. Again it is very mellow with a heavy bottom-end and Thom almost whispering the lyrics. It's like downbeat electronica almost, think Massive Attack. It's almost stunning really to hear a song like this coming from Radiohead. The lyric: "You are all I need" sounds so strange coming out of Thom Yorke. When the piano comes in and the cymbals kick in the track becomes transcendent and I can't think logically anymore. Great song.

6.) Faust ARP
_What? This is a very strange track. It's Thom singing with an acoustic guitar with symphonics happening behind him. No beat, no electronics, just Thom singing very strange lyrics to a very strange guitar part. Nothing about either is pretty, but somehow the song as a whole is. I don't know how they did this, but they did.

7.) Reckoner
_Probably the coolest percussion I've ever heard. It pops out at you like Airbag does on OK Computer. But then the understated guitar part starts in, then Thom starts singing in a beautiful falsetto and you realize that this is not the same band that made that album. But at the same time it is. This is the paradoxical nature of all Radiohead music, they don't write pop songs, but are popular, they don't write to get critical acclaim, but they get it. They just want you to listen to what they do. They have massive talent, but force it through very tight holes and direct it in such a way that you have to listen to certain songs 5 or 6 times until you get it. This is a great track by the way. Again the beat pops out but it is still so mellow and understated.

8.) House of Cards
_Part of what makes the album so organic is the bands new obsession with Thom's voice as a melodic instrument. The guitar is very warm and the beat simple, the vocal track right where it should be and this track is like the smoothest whiskey you've ever had. It goes down so easily (unlike almost every other Radiohead song ever) that it's shocking.

9.) Jigsaw Falling into Place
_Feels like 2+2=5 with its constant hi-hat and tricky arpeggio. Then Thom's voice is there, once again dictating the melody, and his voice stays on for the whole track, always behind. It never reaches a peak and crashes like 2+2=5 does, but rather maintains a level of energy and tension throughout. "You've got a light you can feel it on your back"

10.) Videotape
_Videotape is the most beautiful song I've ever heard. I cannot and will not attempt to put into words how this song makes me feel. It's like falling in love on a perfect fall day while the sun shines down and her eyes are like the center of the universe, constantly pulling you closer. The most amazing thing about this song is how they let it carry itself. It would have been so easy to make this an anthem on par with Paranoid Android or even Everything in its Right Place. But they didn't and I'm so glad. Radiohead's best lyrics ever. Better than True Love Waits. Better than anything.

The only bad thing about the album is that it's only ten songs. They done good. 10/11.

Please go to www.inrainbows.com if you're interested in downloading this.

_Todd

I'm glad this was released today, because today was kinda crappy and I was kinda mad and pissed off the whole day.

I've got a fever

2007-09-30T23:40:00.000-04:00

So I didn't give you much information last week.

OK that's not true. I gave you lots of information. Just not a lot of details about said information.

So this week it's "The top five top five"

1.) Anything by Bill Simmons - He's the sports guy. He wins the Dave Barry award for making me laugh out loud an average of 5.6 times an article. That's the highest average since Dave Barry. Which is why the award is named after him. He's knowledgeable about sports and he also wins the Family Guy award for averaging 15.7 allusions per article. Most of them are either about epic 80s' Celtics' games or epically bad coaching decisions by guys like Rick Barnes. And his podcasts are funny. You know a guy has a lot of pull when David Stern comes on your show...and Adam Corolla and Erin Andrews and I can't think of anymore. (Side note: this is the first time wikipedia has ever let me down, I was expecting a full list of B.S. report guests. There is a ridiculously long article about him though) Basically he's funny and great and I really enjoy what he does.

1.)Calvin and Hobbes - It's existential and absurd and heart-warming and engrossing and incredibly funny. No other comic comes close to it's great drawings and amazing use of dialogue and space on the page. I wish I had a tiger I could talk to. I wish my world would suddenly turn Ne0-Cubist or my last name was Bullet and I had to solve a crime. Calvin and Hobbes make everything else seem pale and without depth or emotion because it is so full of color and it emphasizes the importance of friends and love and making your own way in the world. Even if both your legs are in one pant leg and you fall down a lot.

6.) Alibi - David Gray : After listening to White Ladder and most of A New Day at Midnight the first track on Life in Slow Motion just completely shocked me. The use of backing vocals and Gray's unbelievable voice are both perfect. I think Gray is completely underrated as a songwriter and a very very talented musician. I'm excited to be a fan of him now.

1.) My Apartment - I like coming home to this place. I like having a bathroom inside my room. I like watching Food Network with Todd. I really like plinking around on Todd's piano. And it's just weird to live here. I never thought it possible that I would. It's a sign of how much things have changed for me. It's also a sign of how far I have yet to go.

1.) The computer lab on the top floor of the library - It's nice to have a 'place' on campus that is 'yours' that you can go to and feel secure and safe and confident. I like this computer lab because you get this huge table where you can spread all your stuff out and work on any subject you want to. I like tables for some reason; I guess have a disposition to liking big, rectanglely things that you can put drinks on, do homework on or dance on. And they're pretty. When I'm a famous photographer I'll do a whole series on tables. Or maybe I'll do it sometime sooner. Anyway, the lab is great and I have a feeling that I'll be spending a lot of time there.

I've been writing in this a lot lately. There is a reason for it but I can't really talk about it here. It's probably girl related; most things that affect me emotionally are girl related. But which girl? Ah, that is indeed the question. I'm not even sure I know the answer. If you think you do you should tell me, maybe you'll be right.

I know a few people with strep throat. I think I may have it. But maybe not. If you see me in the next week or so I'll probably be downing some Gatorade or some day quil or BOTH. I think a cocktail of day quil and Gatorade would regrow a limb or something because it would be so powerful. Oh man. I need to get a hold of science and tell them to market this. Wouldn't you take it if you weren't feeling 100%? And talk about hangover cure. Wow...whenever this actually comes out all of you who read this can attest that I invented it to a judge. So I can get money and throw a party. Like a kickass one where I would pick the music and we'd all drink high life and whiskey and sing songs and dance on tables and everybody would get laid. Except me, I'd pass out singing Ben Folds songs to myself in a corner. It's hard to get laid when you're drunk doing that at 10:30pm. Although, if anyone could do it, it would be me.

And on that subject...like...I guess I never understood the mentality of "Lets get drunk in a bar and try to get girls to come home with us so we can have sloppy, joyless, meaningless, and completely unremembered sex".* Like...if I'm gonna have sex I want it to be the opposite of all those things. Don't you? Anyone? But like...that has to be the mentality...do women think like that? I'm not sure. But either way...the pursuit of women and sex isn't exactly active for someone like me. It's not that I don't talk to girls or try to make things happen...

I guess I just get jealous when I see couples and they are completely into it. They both want the relationship and they both understand that they both want this for as long as possible. They fit, they work. They let themselves accept everything I just said...they seem to accept unquestioningly that this is the person that they're with and they wouldn't have it any other way ever. I guess I'm bad at that last part. I'm pretty sure that that is someones (who I won't mention other than to say that her last name is now different) fault.

Anyway, night.

_Todd

"One day, I am gonna grow wings in a chemical reaction...hysterical and useless...hysterical and Let Down and hanging around..."

*I just realized that this is a great definition of masturbation.

quick lists because I can't sleep...

2007-09-26T01:20:00.000-04:00

Top Five Favorites things to read on the internet:
1.) Anything by Bill Simmons
2.) Tuesday Morning Quarterback
3.) Fark Headlines - EVERYBODY PANCAKE might be the funniest thing ever written.
4.) (tie) WWTDD, Withleather, Filmdrunk
5.) Anything on Cracked.com

Top Five Favorite things to read in bed:
1.) Calvin and Hobbes - Nothing better than laughing out loud by yourself in your bed.
2.) Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows
3.) Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix
4.) The Hunt for Red October
5.) Stephen King

6 through 10 favorite track ones:
6.) Alibi - David Gray 'Life in Slow Motion'
7.) The First Single - The Format 'Interventions and Lullabies' -this album is on Ruckus...get it right now please.
8.) Planet Telex - Radiohead 'The Bends'
9.) Where the Streets Have No Name - U2 'Joshua Tree'
10.) Annie Waits - Ben Folds 'Rockin' the Suburbs'

Top Five Favorite Things about Bloomington:
1.) My apartment
2.) Campus
3.) Upland Brewery
4.) Riding the bus while listening to music - I always sit in the same seat.
5.) Whenever Todd starts singing along with the crappy songs on commercials - I think my favorite is when he starts singing with the Campbells soup commercials.

Top Five Favorite Places on Campus
1.) The computer lab on the top floor of the library
2.) The courtyard at the Union
3.) The second floor tables in the Ed building - The building is always full of girls and they talk a lot so the upstairs is always full of girls talking...somehow its pleasant, plus the sun is almost always shining through the windows...and it's near the computer lab which seemingly produces hot girls.
4.) The woods, especially in the morning
5.) The X-bus stop in front of the auditorium whenever the sun is shining through the fountain.

Quick lists...oh yeah. Anybody wanna make out?

_Todd

Magic

2007-09-23T23:28:00.000-04:00

It's not every day that meet someone who you feel like you could spend all your time with.

I mean I do know people who I want to spend as much time with as possible.

(Now, the next sentence that you might be expecting would be something like: "But, oddly enough, these people are the people that I seem to see the least"...or some such phrase. I'm not going to write that sentence. Here is what I will write:)

How does this happen?

I'm new here and IU and I'm so awkward. I have these people in my classes and I ask myself almost all the time: "Do I want to spend more time with this person?" And if the answer is even: "Maybe" let alone "Yes" then I think to myself: "OK, that decision is made, I want to try and talk to this person and maybe spend time with them....now what?"

And I'm not just talking about the ladies here. At Purdue I met guy friends too.

I think that the answer is Magic. Its so interesting to look at a classroom and see friendships forming and wondering: "Ok, why are those two friends? Why aren't they friends with me?"

And thinking: "I'll never meet anyone."

And also thinking: "Do I need to meet anyone else?"

I love my friends so much. I feel like sometimes I let them down or expect too much from them while not giving them enough and I wonder what they really think about me. Do I really need to add people to this list? I have enough trouble with life.

And I know that more people means less time with those others. And I know it's going to happen, I know it is, but there are so many people who I don't want to lose touch with. I want to know them when they are 30 and married...I want to see their kids...and drink beer with them and be in their weddings and never spend a moment wishing that I was somewhere else.

Because it's so odd this Magic that allows two people to become friends. This inexplicable and improbable Magic. I've been so lucky to have so much of it in my life already. Why would I expect more? Do you?

Here I'm really talking about that one person. Because at some point we all expect to meet that one person. How do we know that we haven't already? How do we know that we will?

A test:

It's Armageddon. Bruce Willis cannot save the day. Who is the one person not in your family that you call first.

Movies and books would like to prove that two people can only fall in love after they've experienced something extraordinary together, some life-threatening event has made the bond between them so much stronger...see Shaun of the Dead for a hilarious example. But I don't think this is really the case for 98 percent of the population.

We won't experience Armageddon, we won't have to kill zombies, we won't bring down Voldemort or save the planet from the Decepticons. (although I would if Megan Fox asked me too)

The point is that eventually those feelings that you have for a person have to come out - life-threatening situation or no. Eventually you have to say "OK, this is what is happening." And things either work or they don't....or they stumble along in between like a little puppy...or they spiral out of control. Kinda like this journal. My name is Todd Waggoner and I have no idea what I am talking about. I got lost at about paragraph four and just kinda rode the wave to this point. This is what happens when I try to talk about my life without actually talking about my life.

In any case, I'm new here at IU and I'm really awkward. Hi.

_Todd

There's a feeling in the air...

2007-09-17T00:02:00.000-04:00

Whenever the days get cooler and the sky gets that particular shade of blue I always get emotional.

Top 5 saddest songs

1.) Two-Headed Boy part II - Neutral Milk Hotel.
_I can't rationally write about this song because it's so good and so powerful. Just please listen to it. Please, I'm begging you. If you don't get emotional than I don't know what to tell you.

I couldn't find a version of this on the internet anywheres. If you want it, let me know and I'll send it to you. It is worth it, believe me. Look up the lyrics.

This is the number one song, so it is more sad than the 4 that follow it, so just think about that.

2.) Long Black Veil - Johnny Cash
_I only know of this song because DMB covers it. But it is wonderful and mourning and a painful story. More than the first one, this is...directly sad, while the first one is more existential in it's sadness.

go here and turn up your sound pretty loud because it's quiet...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Lfl4UVyaQlY&mode=related&search=

Sad, right?

3.)With or Without You - U2
_Just amazing and wonderful and so powerful in it's indecision. I cannot listen to this song without getting goosebumps. And you can't tell me it doesn't make you think of lost loves. And the payoff in this song is just unreal.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_Ye8GLPUVsM

Oh my goodness I love youtube...this version makes me cry...buy this DVD.

4.) For Me this is Heaven - Jimmy Eat World
_The only time I've cried in the past 10 years? This song.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WiS1urF-K1w

Ignore the video and listen.

5.) This Brilliant Dance - Dashboard Confessional
_I couldn't make a list of sad songs and not include Dashboard. Just pours sadness out of every note and line.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H_GHIc7tWfU

I find the video oddly appropriate. There is enough imagery in the song.

OK so there it is. I think you must want to hear the #1 song. Please e-mail me and I will send it to you. Again it's different than anything you've heard before and I can't guarantee that you will immediately recognize the sadness or the brilliance. But you will eventually.

H.M.-
Radiohead - True Love Waits
Dave Matthews - Some Devil
Pink Floyd - Wish you were here
Counting Crows - Anna Begins
Ben Folds - Brick, Fred Jones pt. II, Cigarette, Smoke, Still Fighting It
Better Than Ezra - A lifetime, This time of year

In some (perhaps, many) ways the honorable mention is sadder than the list itself. What happens is that I write these things in one sitting and they really do just come from the top of my head. I usually have the idea floating around near the back burner to simmer and while I'm writing it comes to the front after the ideas have reduced and intensified.

But when I write about music I find it hard to capture my thoughts in a proper manner. I suppose that I feel...inadequate to properly express how these songs (and others of course) make me feel. The songs speak for themselves and you don't need me to dress them up with useless words is what I'm trying to say.

Can you still hear the last...

_Todd

p.s. - anyone need a hug? I sure do.

p.p.s. - I'm serious about that #1 song.

This Year

2007-09-11T23:55:00.000-04:00

I know I said that I wouldn't do this, but I think that those who know me best know that I don't always have a rhyme or a reason for much of anything that I do so a blog of mine is bound to have a few posts with little to no direction or point.

If you have Ruckus, and have seen The Departed, you must download the soundtrack. "I'm Shipping Up to Boston" by the Dropkick Murphys is way way too good. And Comfortably Numb is just sick...an astoundingly good song for an astoundingly good part of the movie.

What is the deal with girls wearing those black tights that only go to about mid-shin? Does anyone actually think that those are attractive? Why can't you just wear jeans and skirts and look normal and hot? All the weird clothes just confuse me. The fact that it's skin-tight and I can see your whole ass (nothing is left to the imagination) probably means that it's a bad style choice. Especially for girls who don't quite have the body to pull it off. YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE. STOP RIGHT NOW. I'm not trying to be mean, just logical. And I don't like the loose-fitting long shirts that girls wear with them. I need to make like a pamphlet of style rules for girls and hand them out to those girls who need a little help. Because I'm all about fashion and always looking good.

(note the dirty tennis shoes and the ripped back pockets. And the great posture....does anyone else in the world stand like that? No, no they don't.)

Man it's super fun to put pictures in here.

I'm reading Wuthering Heights right now. Ugh. It's like a book, but one of those books that everyone hates reading, which seems completely contrary to the point of writing a book.

Apparently I can add video to this thing too. Oh wow. You all (as in the 10 people that I think read this...comment people! let me know if you read! please, I'm begging you...my ego has to know that you read it and love it! It's starving!) may be seeing some video up here some time soon. And I really do want to do a photo journal thingy. It's fun to take pictures and almost just as fun to write snarky comments about them.

I think that is it. This weekend is looking like it could rock. Well, Friday anyway.

Todd

_sweep me off my feet

Week One

2007-09-02T19:49:00.000-04:00

So my first week is done. I'm officially (and I can't deny it anymore) an IU student. I'm a cream and crimson person. With gold and black shading I suppose. I've finally accepted it I think. This week was still surreal though.

_Last weekend we went to Purdue. It was super, super fun. It was great to see all the Purdue people and we even had the original 241 Sheetz 14 group there. We're super sexy.

That's Ben, me, Nick and Jon. It doesn't get much better than that folks. If your computer asplodes from all the rampant sexiness I'm sorry. It's Jon's awesome fist pump pose that did it. Damn. Meryn you are so lucky.

I put this in here because of how surreal my Sunday was. I woke up at Purdue (with a very unhappy back and neck) and then drove to Columbus, then I drove home to IU. It was weird to get up at a place that feels so much like home to me and have to drive away from it to go home...twice in the same day.

_Bloomington people cannot drive for shit, and the roads suck here. If not for Todd's super amazing back way to get to the stadium lot, I'd probably go insane.

_Yes there are lots of hot girls here. And they dress it. Especially going out. They all wear those super short colored dresses. Walking around a bar is like walking through a veritable rainbow of sluts. I felt very under dressed the one time out at the bars. And I really don't like those dresses...I suppose they wear them because they are trendy and they think they look good in them and guys will talk to them. But they just, for some reason, make them seem that much more unapproachable. I don't know why. I mean, I don't talk to girls anyway, but when they are wearing those dresses it's even more so. Wear jeans or something. Then maybe I'll look at you without thinking that you're a slut.

_I have yet to get lost.

_I've spent a lot of money I feel. Stupid moving is expensive. And I keep telling myself that a lot of these things are just one-time purchases, but, like someone pretty told me, a hundred one-time purchases is still a lot of money.

_I have one class with 10 people in it, so much for the whole 'big university, big classes' argument. Oh and I'm the only dude. And it's a math class so, logically, I'm the only one who is good at math (because girls cannot, or will not, do math). This means they'll all be asking me for help. I suppose it's better than nothing.

I'm not sure that IU is 'better' for me but I think I will be happier here than at Purdue. Again I think I've just changed a lot. The dudes in the picture above can tell you all about how I used to be. I'm much different now. I'm much better now. It's amazing to have a second chance to go to college again.

And before I go I just wanted to say that the rule for this journal is that you (as in the reader) must never assume that I am talking about you. Even right now, when I am addressing you the reader, I am still talking about someone else. Don't ask me how this is possible, I just know that rules can never be broken. Especially by me. If I wanted to talk about you, I would use your name. And if I have a problem with you (again, not you) I will talk to you about it, not mention it in some obscure blog. I hope this clears up any confusion.

That's it. I'm a Hoosier. And one day I'll be very proud of that fact. Right now I just want to get through this alive.

_Todd

This song has become a daily event in my musical habits. It makes me...believe, even more than I already do, that anything is possible.

"Where were you when I was burned and broken
While the days slipped by from my window watching
And where were you when I was hurt and I was helpless
Because the things you say and the things you do surround me
While you were hanging yourself on someone else's words
Dying to believe in what you heard
I was staring straight into the shining sun

Lost in thought and lost in time
While the seeds of life and the seeds of change were planted
Outside the rain fell dark and slow
While I pondered on this dangerous but irresistible pastime

I took a heavenly ride through our silence
I knew the moment had arrived
For killing the past and coming back to life

I took a heavenly ride through our silence
I knew the waiting had begun
And I headed straight..into the shining sun"

-Pink Floyd, 'Coming Back to Life'

"You can't lose what you don't put in the middle."

2007-08-22T20:07:00.000-04:00

Lately I've been really happy.

I mean, nothing this summer has worked out the way I thought it would other than IU.

Which is strange. School going right and nothing else going that direction. Some things thought about going in that direction, then they were all like: "Psssh" and turned right around.

Which is OK.

Here is my list of surprises from this summer.

_Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix was an amazing movie. After all the bad scripts and bad directing and bad acting and generally crappy crap that was the first four movies I was super-impressed and surprised that OotP was so good.

_Ginny didn't die. I thought for sure that JK was going to break my heart and kill Ginny. Thank goodness she didn't.

_I like working at Menards. This has been an awesome thing. Money is necessary and if you actually semi-enjoy earning it then that makes it even better. I'm not crazy about the job, but it's much better than so many other ones.

_Amanda and Chris are pregnant. (well just amanda) This really wasn't a huge surprise, because I was pretty sure that they were trying (ewww...) but it was great happiness either way.

_I didn't kill my parents. Try living at college, by yourself for 3 years, then coming back to live at home for 8 months. Actually, don't.

_My dad bought a new truck. I woke up one 'morning' and was sitting on the couch trying to figure out what the fuck was going on when my dad walks in with his shoes in his hand and his shirt tucked in and I knew that something was up. Then he says: "Hey, wanna help me buy a truck?" Good story. We ate Arby's.

_I didn't see certain people hardly at all. This has been terribly frustrating and annoying because you think you know people and you think you care about them and you realize one day that they never cared about you. Then they kick you. Oh and when I say 'certain people' I really mean 'a certain person'.

_I drove my car from Putt-Putt to go get ice cream and sang 'Can I get a...?' as well as I could. Then I drove home and watched Love Actually after which I played some pool. Then I watched most of 'That Thing You Do' before going to bed at 4 am. Oh, I did all these things with someone else. This was the most surprising thing that happened all summer.

The problem is that now(NOW) I don't know what to expect. I afraid to expect anything or to hope for anything or to wish for anything. This is the hand, God is the dealer, I have to decide how to play the cards.

And who I play with, of course.

_Todd

" But you can't win much either. "

The things we do are never gonna change

2007-07-31T21:05:00.001-04:00

I've been thinking a lot lately about what defines me as a person. I've been doing this for several reasons which I won't get into here, mainly because even I don't understand them fully. But here is a list of what I think defines all people.

_What we do (for a living): Simple, everyone has a job, whether its being a student, an office bitch, a computer guy, or anything really. And these things that we do for a living partially define who we are in some way. Now, I know that a person who is a cashier isn't really defined by that, but somehow they are. And it's important if they are a cashier at Abercrombie and Fitch or at Kroger's. Again I can't quite say why, but it is a small comment on the person that they are. Obviously a person who is a teacher, or works in a factory, or any of the million different careers out there is more completely defined by that career than most people who are still in school. But either way, what we do for a living is important.

_What we do (for fun): "Some people drink, some people don't, some people smoke a fat one and some don't, some people do, some people don't." I don't think I have to say any more than that. Everybody gets it.

_What we say: People have to express themselves; humans are emotional creatures (see: women/ men watching football) and they have to shout out their feelings to anyone who will listen. This is what defines most people I think. When I meet new people I don't really care what they do (at first) or what they look like (unless they are ugly HAHAHA) or what religion they believe in, it matters what they say to me. I'll have more to say on this subject later.

_What we believe (non-religious): Does a person believe in themselves? That our President is doing a good job? That Radiohead is the greatest band on the planet? That "In the Aeroplane over the Sea" is the greatest album of all time? These things are important and they are often the things that people talk about. So when I said that people are mostly defined by what they say what I really meant was that they are defined by what they believe.

I think that's it. Looks aren't terribly important because the above four things can overshadow looks. Religious beliefs aren't terribly important because if I don't really have any, why should I care if someone else does? Personality is a combination of the above four things. What else is there? Anyone?

I suppose there is something to be said for what we want. But often that changes everyday so it's hard to say that this defines you as a person. I suppose that we have long term goals in life but for me those fall under beliefs because long term goals often coincide with what you believe is the best way to live your life. (i.e. - get married, have kids...that kind of stuff)

Like I said above I've been thinking a lot lately about what defines me as a person. I've always thought of myself as a good person ('good' can mean whatever you want it to in this context) but I have had to change a lot of things about the person that I was over the past few months and I thought it would be beneficial to make sure that the person I am now is the person that I want to be. If I'm capable of being that person.

And I guess I've been thinking about my future a lot. I want to be happy for the rest of my life with both my career and with the person that I am (and...you know, getting married). And sometimes that means not being happy right now. But it's worth it. Well, I have to believe that it is worth it.

Todd

_I'm a terribly sarcastic person and often I say things I don't mean. This has become such a large part of my personality that I have become probably more defined by what I don't say than what I do. Since what I do say is often silly and meaningless to the person who is listening. But if you listen long enough you might find something of worth. And only if I want you to find it.

How do you know that you're right?

2007-07-23T21:33:00.000-04:00

IU update for those who don't know:

It seems as if things are conspiring to not work out for me. Partially anyway.

I took an English class freshman year at Purdue, for some reason that class transferred to IUPUC as "Undistributed Credit" (which basically means that IUPUC is lazy) and then, for some OTHER stupid reason it transferred to IUB as the same thing. Even though on IUB's own admissions website, where they have a service that allows a user to see how classes and credits transfer, it says that it works for not one, but TWO classes, one of which is a 200 level course. (The Purdue course was a 100 level) I found out today that IUB cannot override what IUPUC did to my transcript...as in they can't give me credit until IUPUC says they can. Isn't that the stupidest fucking thing you've ever heard? I wasn't a very nice person on the phone to the person who gave me that news I can guarantee you. Especially since it took me an hour and a half to find out that no one at IUB could do anything.

I have also been trying to get IUB to accept a course I took at IUPUC as credit since APRIL. Apparently the snag is that some dude is being super lazy and won't make a decision. It's like they forget that I pay them for this.

Oh, and remember all those art course I took at Purdue? Yeah, they are undistributed credit as well. And I might have to do a portfolio review to get them to count. I took these classes at least two years ago. I think I have 3 or 4 drawings left. I swear to all that is Holy if I don't get credit for these classes I will make it my personal goal in life to become a world-famous artist so I can tell everyone that IUB didn't accept my art credit and therefore they had nothing to do with my development as such and I will never allow them to put any of my pieces on display. And that the IUB Fine Art school is run by DAMN DIRTY APES! HA! That'll show 'em not to fuck with Todd Waggoner.

Speaking of IUB,

I'm still coming to grips with the idea that I'll be a student there. After 3 years at Purdue and thinking of it as my school it is so strange to walk around IU and think of IT as my school now. It's like moving to a new house or getting a new car or something. My first week at IU will be completely surreal I'm sure. Like owning a Ford truck for 20 years and then buying a new-model Chevy 1500.

But it will ultimately boil down to the same thing. It's a college and I have to get through it and it will become home for me. Just like a new truck will eventually become an old truck. Or new habits eventually become old habits.

But that first week...everything will seem brighter. I will pause and look at buildings and people and trees like I've never seen anything like them before. I'm planning on carrying a camera with me at all times. Expect photo-journals.

It will be surreal because I'll be so happy.

Like Arthur Dent, I'll be having a good day at school for once. I'll just be missing my Fenchurch. (Not that I have one, as such, but I'm sure that someone out there will be mine.)

_Todd

"Top Five Side Ones, Tracks Ones."

2007-07-19T21:48:00.000-04:00

Best of What's Around - The Dave Matthews Band - Under the Table and Dreaming
_A classic album and a really really good song. I think this song defines what this album (and possibly the entire DMB mantra) is all about. A laid-back, really hopeful album. From the drum roll intro to the "Hey la la..." outro, it always puts me in a great mood. And it's good advice to live by.

Sunday Bloody Sunday - U2 - War
_I don't actually have anything to say about this one. Just really bloody good.

Everything in its Right Place - Radiohead - Kid A
_From an album that was not marketed (nor did it have a single) this song boldy and beautifully announced Radiohead's foray into electronica. From the scary, warbly looping of Thom's voice to the simple but addicting piano this song has it all. It jumps at you and grabs you. Play it in your car, and you'll get what I mean. Just wow.

Shine on you Crazy Diamond (pts. 1-5) - Pink Floyd - Wish You Were Here
_As usual with Pink Floyd, I have very little idea of where they are coming from...but also as usual, I absolutely love every second of it.

Panther Dash - The Go! Team - Thunder, Lightning, Strike
_Wow, this whole album was a revelation to me. Such creativity and fun and energy(go!) just pouring all over this album. Please let me play this for you someday.

_I wanted to get things started off on the right foot here. I probably define myself by music more than anything, so I can't imagine a better re-introduction than that.

Check back in...I'm an official IU student now (I have classes!) and I will be writing about starting all over and falling in love daily/hourly/its summer and girls are wearing skirts/IU girls are somehow hotter than Purdue girls. Whether or not this bodes well for me remains to be seen.

_Todd